My condo board has a hormone imbalance

Over the past few years Ive had  severe hormone imbalance problems. My periods are so irregular, that I cannot mark them on a calendar. There would be so many marks it would look like a criminal counting their days in prison. At least prisoners get free panty liners.

I have seen countless doctors, specialists, natural-paths, Chinese medicine doctors. The list goes on on on. Nobody has an answer. I’ve been told my blood-work is normal, my ovaries look good, and the only solution would be to have surgery to remove my ovaries. Well that doesn’t make sense. I have a constant headache, so remove my head??

The other night,  I didn’t sleep at all because I had such severe cramping and stomach pains. My boyfriend woke up in the morning to find me keeled over on the floor crying and vomiting. Gasping to take a breath and underneath the tears I shouted “ I can’t take this anymore!”. Andre hesitated, looked at me sternly and said “ You never used to be like this. I think its stress. This all started with the condo board”.

And there it was…

When I look back to all the times, I was sick over the years, there is a direct connection between my hormone problems and harassment from my condo board. I always wondered why I never had problems when I would go away on a trip. I just thought the mexican water was better!

I live(d) in a townhouse condo complex with approx. 30 other units. I bought the home exactly eleven years ago and have had nothing but problems with them from the day I moved in. The very first day I took possession of the house I received a letter in the mail, that I was violating a bi-law and I had five days to rectify the situation or I would be fined.

The previous owners had left a tiny hole in the lawn from an ornament they had removed. This was my “Welcome to the neighborhood” letter. A $250 fine over a lawn ornament that left a small hole on my fenced in yard?? What would happen if they left their in-laws?

From that day on I received letter after letter. My friend came to visit on his way to get his car muffler fixed- three days later I get a letter threatening a fine over his loud muffler.

I have been fined for bi-laws I never knew existed. I was walking on eggshells, afraid to go to the mailbox, afraid to speak to anyone. What was next? “ We saw you breathing. According to the bi-laws you have to breath from your diaphragm. You have five days to start breathing properly or you will be fined $250.”

Andre was getting so frustrated with me. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was always upset. It was all I talked about. I was a real contender for Girlfriend of The Year.

I decided the only solution was to move out and get a renter. Now I am being harassed over my renter. The last letter I received was 20 pages long. The only thing I have seen bigger is Alec Baldwin’s head. ( love ya Alec but your head is pretty large)

Now I know condo boards consist of volunteers that are doing it for the fame and recognition. If you’re ever getting hit on and want the guy to leave, just tell him you’re on a condo board. If you’ve ever drank too much of your uncle’s sherry and need it to exit your system, just think about how sexy your life would be on a condo board.That will make you puke! Ever want revenge on a friend? Just set them up on a date with the president of your condo board.

Condo Boards are good for two things: a. giving bored retired people something to do and b. giving bored asexual people something to do.

Now if you’re bored, retired or asexual I won’t discourage from joining a condo board but I might encourage you to do something more productive, like eating shoe polish.

I truly believe our bodies try to tell us things and if you don’t listen, your body sends you bigger signals. Years ago, I went through that typical post University funk. I couldn’t get a job in my field, (which was shocking to me because I thought getting a Theatre degree was a ticket to greatness) and I was working as a line cook in a deli. I had terrible digestion problems, my stomach was always sore and my life revolved around finding a toilet. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome “ IBS” and put on medication. A week later I started writing a play about twenty-something angst. That play was produced and became a huge hit.I was working in my field and happy to be doing what I loved. I never had any symptoms of IBS again.

They say illness is 99% stress. I truly believe that. Eliminate the stress and eliminate the illness. After years of going from doctor to doctor, specialist hopping, trying a million different new age diets, eliminating gluten, diary, chemically laced make-ups and creams-the real culprit was stress!! My friends have said to me “ Don’t back down. Don’t let them win”. Well, they can win because my health and well being is way more important to me, than worrying if I have woken up my neighbour from folding my laundry too loud. So good-bye hormone imbalance, adios Stayfree with wings…The real hormone imbalance is my condo board.


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