How to be single…or how not to be…

What I would say to my single self….

I did not meet my husband Andre until I was in my late thirties. Before then, my world revolved around being single. I knew every line of Bridget Jones’ Diary. I waited three hours in line for Steve Harvey’s book, almost breaking my foot trying to kick the last one out of a woman’s hand, and I took all the Cosmo quizzes hoping for an answer. The only answer I got was a definition for labiaplasty. Being single was the inspiration for my standup comedy, my two different web series and all of my one woman shows. Without being single, I had no material, nothing to talk about and essentially no identity. I was a thirty- something independent woman with everything I wanted out of life, except for the one thing we need the most, LOVE. If I could talk to my single self today, this is what I would say:

“Hey Ally. First of all be proud of all you’ve accomplished. You are a strong willed, educated, motivated, self-sufficient woman but enough is enough, shut the hell up, and let somebody in. You can take care of yourself, we all get it, we’ve all heard about the contents of your bedside table. Now listen up….”

1. When you go on dates stop trying to prove yourself. You don’t have to be the funniest one in the room. You don’t have to be the smartest, and you definitely don’t have to be the loudest. You’re so loud! You brought your date earplugs…take it down a level…or eight.

2. You don’t have to know everything. Be curious. Ask questions. One day you will meet a man who knows everything. He IS Google.

3. They won’t care what I do for a living. You could be second in line to the prime minister or a shirt folder at the gap. They won’t care…and they won’t remember. Andre still doesn’t know what I do, so I tell him I’m an international spy…specializing in Facebook stalking…that’s why he doesn’t have an account.

4. Stop talking about being single. The more you talk about it, the more you become it. And on that same token, stop talking about your vibrators, your massaging shower head and Tony Danza, no guy can keep up with that.

5. Let a guy help you. When you meet your Husband you will have two broken hands and won’t be able to do anything. Stop trying to be this uber independent super woman and let him help … and you know what, it’ll actually feel really good. After my hands healed, I continued to let my Husband help me. He can pluck a mean eyebrow.

6. Stop trying to improve yourself physically. You have a Latin ass and you’re Scottish. Just marry a Latin. Easy Peasy.

7. If you are drinking more than the guy you are dating it won’t last. Imagine him saying “Look at that girl over there vomiting on the cheese platter, I want to date her!! “…I don’t think so.

8. Have standards. Don’t give up and cave in. You have given up and caved in so many times. You don’t have to pay for your date’s steak with a side of steak. You have lent out your credit cards, your vehicle, and your self-respect. Where has it gotten you exactly?…Except for a low credit score.

9. You are worthy of love…and worthy of a new shower-head.

10. Don’t live in the past and stop talking about your goddamn cancer! It’s not sexy and it’s not who you are! Instead look this man in the eye and get to know him! Be present. You might just be surprised!

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And I was surprised. Looking back on those years and even though I am embarrassed by my behaviour, I have no regret. If I would have taken this advice back then, it would have worked, but I wouldn’t be married to my soul mate. I could be married to Tony Danza, or in jail for sleeping on his lawn, not that I would know anything about that. To all the single girls out there still searching for that special someone, just relax, it will happen. But in the meantime, keep on being yourself, and enjoy your life. When that man comes, it will happen at just the right time, I promise. In the meantime watch reruns of “Who’s the Boss”, it helps.

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