First of all, it is not my anniversary, so don’t send me a card just yet…unless in that card is a hundred bucks and a gift certificate for a wine tour. It’s a recession, I need it.
This blog is about what I have learned IN my first year of marriage not after. Read people. Does anybody read anymore? If this blog doesn’t feature a photo of a botched plastic surgery or a video of a morbidly obese person dancing in a speedo, I am doomed, nobody is reading it. So…if someone can just tag me in one of those, I would appreciate it.
So…what would I say to myself a year ago approaching marriage? First off, I would say this,“ Ally,you might want to re-think that outfit you wore Tuesday night-baggy jeans with an oversized tank top and a tiny sweater is not a good look for you. Here is what you are going to learn about life in your first year of marriage. You are going to learn a lot more than this but, you never read anymore, so I’ll keep it short.
1.Do not take advice from anyone whose marriage you don’t admire. In fact, do not take any advice from any person you don’t admire. That includes your ninety year old aunt who just stole your wallet and peed on your couch.
2.Nobody will buy a used wedding dress off the internet …and those red wines stains are not “in right now”.
3.Your husband will never dust, change the toilet role or open a cupboard to look for something…deal with it!
4.Don’t confront someone you love with name calling. It never works, it goes nowhere, and its hurtful. Tell them how their behaviour made you feel. All we want is to understand…and….someone to buy that wedding dress!
5.Never make assumptions. You have no idea what’s going on in that person’s head unless you ask…and I highly doubt they are thinking about your wardrobe choice on Tuesday.
6.When spending time with your loved one, pay complete attention. Turn off your phone, your computer, and that Facebook newsfeed. What is more important in this world, the person who loves you or a video of a cat getting an enema? I know…tough call.
7.Fights are just fights. They are normal. They too shall pass. Just like the mozzarella sicks I had for lunch.
8.Don’t gossip, be negative or compete against anyone. It is wasted energy. It doesn’t make anyone feel good. Neither do those mozzarella sticks.
9.You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. It is nobody’s business why you don’t have children. If someone asks you a question that makes you feel uncomfortable, just respond, with “Why do you ask?” That always shuts them up. If that doesn’t work, show them the video of the cat enema.
10.This is the NUMBER ONE thing I have learned about marriage. Put your partner first. Before your career, your dog, your problems. Your partner is your half. They came first before anything else that presented itself in your life together. Your partner deserves to be celebrated. Always be happy to see your partner, to enjoy your time together and to be truly interested and support their life.
What I have learned about life and love has surprisingly shocked me. These are my experiences and they don’t have to be yours. So, if they appear to be anti-feminist, so be it. Don’t be taping pictures of Gloria Steinem to my front door. I already have a shrine and a Halloween costume- the latter was a big hit!
Secondly this blog is what I have learned. I am not giving advice to anyone but myself. I am not one of those people that has watched half an episode of Dr.Phil and is suddenly prescribing antidepressants. I don’t need to. I still have some painkillers left over from a biking accident in 1998.
I prayed for fifteen years that I would get married. I also cried, hyperventilated, talked to myself, had a co-dependent relationship with my labrador retriever, dieted, drank too much merlot, had a punch card to the sex toy store, cried some more, blocked one too many ex-boyfriends on Facebook, ate a chocolate cupcake out of the garbage…ok maybe two.. dated a guy who I swore was my second cousin because I was lonely, switched to veganism for an afternoon, cried some more, lost my memory, found it with the cupcake in the garbage, ate another one, joined a pyramid scheme, watched “The Secret” forty five times, cried some more and then one day…I gave up. …
I did not meet my husband until I was 38 years old. We met at a bar.I may have yelled at him and called him gay. I may have had too many shooters. He may have thought I was mentally unstable.This is a first marriage for both of us and I know it will be our last.
I’m glad I waited a long time to meet my husband. I had a lot of growing up to do and a lot to learn. I’m still learning and sometimes the lessons are hard. I’ll tell you what else is hard….